What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
