I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
