So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I just googled if crying burns calories
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
