Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
