wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
