Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
