1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
