I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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