bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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