Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
Randomize
