True but thats because hes a fetus.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
