I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
