I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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