Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
