I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
