last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
