Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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