I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
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