I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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