he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize
