i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Randomize
