I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Randomize
