no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Randomize
