My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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