Me too!
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
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