forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Randomize
