it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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