I met the friendliest cop last night
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
