1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Did I show you my penis last night?
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
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