Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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