I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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