If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
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