I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
