I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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