grandma shit on top of the toilet
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
