Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
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