Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
