Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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