I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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