He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
