yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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