he puts the penis in happiness.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
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