be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
