your room smells of hookers.
And success
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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