How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
