I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
