Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
