Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
two words: eviction party
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
Randomize
