The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
