Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Randomize
