that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize
